You mean to frighten me, Mr. Darcy: P&P #25 & 26

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance - Now With Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!, by Jane Austen and Seth Graham-Smith, read by Katherine Kellgren; Mr. Darcy, Vampyre by Amanda Grange

Happy Hallowe'en, all! I am currently under siege from neighbourhood monsters who want to take my candy from me. Ah, the joys of living in a third-floor walk-up with the only lit doorbell and a downstairs neighbour who insists on putting a pumpkin on the porch and then leaving for the evening. I'm not grumpy, really I'm not.

Anyway, as I sit here guarding my chocolate-covered caramels and trying to keep the cat from freaking out, I thought it would be an appropriate time to review some P&P adaptations of a more supernatural nature.^*

Source: amazon.com

When I first hard of P&P&Z, I thought the idea was hilarious. A friend assured me that Graham-Smith hadn't cut anything, so four years ago I spent my free Audible credit on the audiobook. I never got around to listening to it. Then this whole popular culture zombie explosion happened, and I was sort of put off. I don't really get the interest in undead beings whose limbs fall off while they want to eat your brains. What's the attraction? I can deal with them in small doses, but lately it seems like it's all zombie, all the time. Too much of a... thing, as it were.

But when this challenge came up, I decided to take one on the chin. For the team. I approached the story in the spirit with which I hope was intended: this is going to be kind of goofy. I wasn't wrong. It helped that it began "Audible is pleased to present the heirloom edition of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies... with new scenes of gratuitous zombie mayhem" and that Katherine Kellgren reads it in deadly earnest. That's the way to approach it, I feel.

First off, my friend was wrong. Graham-Smith cut quite a few of my favourite lines, but mostly because they wouldn't have made sense in-universe. In this England, the "unmentionables" have been a terror for many years. Mr. Bennet has raised his daughters to be fighters. This Lizzy is not particularly sweet nor arch; she's a warrior. Mrs. Bennet is still trying to get them all married, of course. It's a funny juxtaposition. We still have the balls and Kitty and Lydia still flirt with the officers, and Lizzy is offended by Darcy's slighting her honour at the assembly where we meet him and Bingley. The warrior code demands that she kill him, but she is interrupted by, you guessed it, a zombie attack. Darcy is extremely impressed by Lizzy's skill and exquisite grace in handling her dagger. And then... "Apart from the attack, the evening altogether passed off pleasantly for the whole family." ... and we're back to the main story.

It goes back and forth. There is a bit of unexpected foreshadowing: Darcy only knows of one other woman who handled a blade that well. What woman? Lady Catherine? Surely not. But it is! Also...

As for Mr. Bingley himself, between him and Darcy there was a very steady friendship, in spite of great opposition of character. Bingley was by no means deficient, but Darcy was clever. He was at the same time haughty, reserved, and fastidious, and his manners, though well-bred, were not inviting. In that respect his friend had greatly the advantage. Bingley was sure of being liked wherever he appeared, Darcy was continually giving offense.

But what no one - not even Mr. Bingley - knew, was the reason behind Darcy's cold demeanor.

For until recently, he had been the very picture of pleasantry; a young man of merry disposition and utmost attentiveness. But his nature had been forever altered by a betrayal he had not the stomach to speak of.

Dun dun Duhn!

Miss Bingley's scorn of Elizabeth's walking to Netherfield has a new complexion; it's dangerous not just to her dress (six inches deep in mud and bits of undead flesh) and reputation, but to her life. Mr. Darcy has a fairly good reason for being suspicious of Jane. The argument between Elizabeth and Lady Catherine becomes an actual dual. And I don't want to spoil anything, but Joss Whedon and George R. R. Martin may have given Graham-Smith some pointers.

Of the audiobook, I have few complaints. One is the introduction by Seth Graham-Smith, but that's mostly because I haven't liked reading introductions before I read the book itself ever since Umberto Eco spoiled The Name of the Rose for me in his own introduction. Another issue is that if a zombie speaks, it's really obnoxious to listen to. Which is perhaps the point, but there has to be a way to convey the zombie-ness without making the audiobook unlistenable. Complaints of the story itself? Some cut lines are much missed, and some changes are a bit grating. Darcy is not merely arrogant, but very rude. That he's rude to Miss Bingley is somewhat satisfying, but a bit jarring. Of course, everyone is quite a bit ruder. I'm not sure it really adds to the story, though. Neither does all the sexual what-I'm-sure-are-supposed-to-be-innuendo, but are far too blatant for that. They seem rather pointless. As does every mention of Darcy's flowing chestnut locks. I will say that while in the beginning some of the changes feel a bit forced, most of them flow more naturally as the story goes on. The first proposal scene is something that would be fun to watch, should they ever get around to making the movie.

My major complaint is the result of my overthinking fictional universes. Elizabeth (and others), to avenge her honour, kills or wants to kill able-bodied people, and nobody really questions it. In fact, they expect it. This is not practical! You need every person who can fight to stay alive so you can take out the dreadfuls! Warrior code my eye. No wonder the damn zombies have taken over. Humph. Of course, it gives Elizabeth something more than mere prejudice to overcome, but still.

Oh, and that huge foreshadowing? I was expecting something to do with Wickham and zombies. I was disappointed.

For those of you who think Austen would be turning over in her grave, there's an afterward by an English prof who talks about how it really is in the tradition of the gothic novels that were huge in Austen's time. The best part is the list of the books with "Mystery" in the title. There were a lot. They sound terrible.

Anyway, P&P&Z is good fun once, but I don't know that I would revisit it.

Source: amazon.com

I understand the vampire thing only a little better than the zombie thing. Don't get me wrong; I'm a huge Buffy and Angel fan. But the whole "guy wants to kill you by draining your blood" or worse, "wants to keep you alive for hundreds of years by making you drink blood" thing? How is that sexy? And adding gothic horror to P&P? I think you're getting a little Brontë in my Austen.

Anyway, I read Mr Darcy, Vampyre back in March with the other Amanda Grange novels, but decided to review it separately. Grange decided to write a gothic romance like the ones that Austen mocks in Northanger Abbey, and it's nothing like her other books.

The action begins shortly after the wedding. Lizzy is a little concerned. It seems that she is destined to never to visit the Lake District, for he suddenly changes their wedding tour destination to Paris. Lizzy grows more and more worried because Darcy has not consummated the marriage, he is behaving a little oddly, and his family is also strange. She fears that Darcy must have some dark secret.

Read the title, girl. Dude's a vampire.

Of course, Grange has changed up the vampire mythology to suit her purposes. These vampires don't sparkle, thankfully, but Darcy's line fade in strong sunlight. Darcy's reflection seems to show his inner thoughts -- Elizabeth catches looks of despair which disappear when she looks at him directly. Lady Catherine is still violently opposed to the marriage... and with the whole vampire thing seems even more menacing. They even end up in Italy, as all gothic novels must.

Read as a gothic romance, it's okay. I'll spoil it slightly by saying that Elizabeth is never in any real danger, though. Read as a P&P book, meh. I think she missed on the characterizations. Granted, they are in an extraordinary situation, but it just didn't feel like Elizabeth and Darcy to me. They could have been anybody and the story would have been the same.

So again, meh. Fun once, but I probably won't reread it.

^*I should really look into getting my middle names changed to cliché.